Do you have a short fuse or find yourself getting into frequent arguments
and fights? Anger is a normal, healthy emotion, but when chronic, explosive
anger spirals out of control, it can have serious consequences for your
relationships, your health, and your state of mind. With insight about the real
reasons for your anger and these anger management tools, you can learn to keep
your temper from hijacking your life.
SOME DYNAMICS OF
ANGER
- We become more angry when we are stressed and body resources are down.
- We are rarely ever angry for the reasons we think.
- We are often angry when we didn't get what we needed as a child.
- We often become angry when we see a trait in others we can't stand in ourselves.
- Underneath many current angers are old disappointments, traumas, and triggers.
- Sometimes we get angry because we were hurt as a child.
- We get angry when a current event brings up an old unresolved situation from the past.
- We often feel strong emotion when a situation has a similar content, words or energy that we have felt before.
CLUES THAT
THERE’S SOMETHING MORE TO YOUR ANGER
- You have a hard time compromising. Is it hard
for you to understand other people’s points of view, and even harder to
concede a point? If you grew up in a family where anger was out of
control, you may remember how the angry person got his or her way by being
the loudest and most demanding. Compromising might bring up scary feelings
of failure and vulnerability.
- You have trouble expressing emotions other than
anger.
Do you pride yourself on being tough and in control, never letting your
guard down? Do you feel that emotions like fear, guilt, or shame don’t
apply to you? Everyone has those emotions, and if you think you don’t, you
may be using anger as a cover for them.
- You view different opinions and viewpoints as a personal challenge to you. Do you believe that your way is always right and get angry when others disagree? If you have a strong need to be in control or a fragile ego, you may interpret other perspectives as a challenge to your authority, rather than simply a different way of looking at things.
PAYING ATTENTION
TO THE WAY ANGER FEELS IN YOUR BODY
- Knots in your stomach
- Clenching your hands or jaw
- Feeling clammy or flushed
- Breathing faster
- Headaches
- Pacing or needing to walk around
- Seeing red
- Having trouble concentrating
- Pounding heart
- Tensing your shoulders
IDENTIFYING THE NEGATIVE THOUGHT
PATTERNS THAT TRIGGER YOUR TEMPER
You may think that external things—the insensitive actions of other people,
for example, or frustrating situations—are what cause your anger. But anger
problems have less to do with what happens to you than how you interpret and
think about what happened. Common negative thinking patterns that trigger and
fuel anger include:- Over generalizing. For
example, “You always interrupt me. You NEVER consider my needs. EVERYONE disrespects me. I NEVER get the credit I deserve.”
- Obsessing on “should” and “musts” Having a
rigid view of the way things should or must be and getting angry when
reality doesn’t line up with this vision.
- Mind reading and jumping to conclusions. Assuming
you “know” what someone else is thinking or feeling—that he or she
intentionally upset you, ignored your wishes, or disrespected you.
- Collecting straws. Looking
for things to get upset about, usually while overlooking or blowing past
anything positive. Letting these small irritations build and build until
you reach the “final straw” and explode, often over something relatively
minor.
- Blaming. When anything bad happens or something goes wrong, it’s always someone else’s fault. You blame others for the things that happen to you rather than taking responsibility for your own life.
However, the following concepts on how to lessen your anger will be examined in the subsequent lines below.
TIP
1: UNDERSTANDING ANGER
The emotion of anger is neither good nor bad. It is perfectly healthy and
normal to feel angry when you’ve been mistreated or wronged. The feeling isn't
the problem; it is what you do with it that makes a difference. Anger becomes a
problem when it harms you or others.If you have a hot temper, you may feel like it’s out of your hands and there’s little you can do to tame the beast. But you have more control over your anger than you think. You can learn to express your emotions without hurting others and when you do, you’ll not only feel better, you’ll also be more likely to get your needs met. Mastering the art of anger management takes work, but the more you practice, the easier it will get. And the payoff can be huge. Learning to control your anger and express it appropriately can help you build better relationships, achieve your goals, and lead a healthier, more satisfying life.
TIP 2: LEARNING HOW TO CONTROL ANGER
You might think that emitting your anger is healthy, that the people around you are too sensitive, that your anger is justified, or that you need to show your fury to get respect. But the truth is that anger is much more likely to damage your relationships, impair your judgment, get in the way of success, and have a negative impact on the way people see you.- Out-of-control anger hurts your physical
health. Constantly operating at high levels of stress and tension
is bad for your health. Chronic anger makes you more susceptible to heart
disease, diabetes, high cholesterol levels, a weakened immune system,
insomnia, and high blood pressure.
- Out-of-control anger hurts your mental
health. Chronic anger consumes huge amounts of mental energy and
clouds your thinking, making it harder to concentrate, see the bigger
picture, and enjoy life. It can also lead to stress, depression, and other
mental health problems.
- Out-of-control anger hurts your career.
Constructive criticism, creative differences, and heated debate can be
healthy. But lashing out only alienates your colleagues, supervisors, or
clients and erodes their respect. What’s more, a bad reputation can follow
you wherever you go, making it harder and harder to get ahead.
- Out-of-control anger hurts your relationships with others. It causes lasting scars in the people you love most and gets in the way of your friendships and work relationships. Chronic, intense anger makes it hard for others to trust you, speak honestly, or feel comfortable—they never know what is going to set you off or what you will do. Explosive anger is especially damaging to children.
TIP 3: EXPLORE WHAT’S REALLY BEHIND YOUR ANGER
If you’re struggling with out-of-control anger, you may be wondering why your fuse is so short. Anger problems often stem from what you’ve learned as a child. If you watched others in your family scream, hit each other, or throw things, you might think this is how anger is supposed to be expressed. Traumatic events and high levels of stress can make you more susceptible to anger as well.
TIP 4: BE AWARE
OF YOUR ANGER WARNING SIGNS AND TRIGGERS
While you might feel that you just explode into anger without warning, in
fact, there are physical warning signs in your body. Anger is a normal physical
response. It fuels the “fight or flight” system of the body, and the angrier
you get, the more your body goes into overdrive. Becoming aware of your own
personal signs that your temper is starting to boil allows you to take steps to
manage your anger before it gets out of control.
TIP 5: AVOID PEOPLE, PLACES, AND
SITUATIONS THAT BRING OUT YOUR WORST
Stressful events don’t excuse anger, but understanding how these events
affect you can help you take control of your environment and avoid unnecessary
aggravation. Look at your regular routine and try to identify activities, times
of day, people, places, or situations that trigger irritable or angry feelings.
Maybe you get into a fight every time you go out for drinks with a certain
group of friends. Or maybe the traffic on your daily commute drives you crazy.
Then think about ways to avoid these triggers or view the situation differently
so it doesn’t make your blood boil.TIP 6: LEARN WAYS TO COOL DOWN
Once you know how to recognize the warning signs that your temper is rising and anticipate your triggers, you can act quickly to deal with your anger before it spins out of control. There are many techniques that can help you cool down and keep your anger in check.Quick tips for cooling down
- Focus on the physical sensations of anger. While it may seem counterintuitive, tuning into the way your body feels when you’re angry often lessens the emotional intensity of your anger.
- Take some deep breaths. Deep, slow breathing helps counteract rising tension. The key is to breathe deeply from the abdomen, getting as much fresh air as possible into your lungs.
- Exercise. A brisk walk around the block is a great idea. It releases pent-up energy so you can approach the situation with a cooler head.
- Use your senses. Take advantage of the relaxing power of your sense of sight, smell, hearing, touch, and taste. You might try listening to music or picturing yourself in a favorite place.
- Stretch or massage areas of tension. Roll your shoulders if you are tensing them, for example, or gently massage your neck and scalp.
- Slowly count to ten. Focus on the counting to let your rational mind catch up with your feelings. If you still feel out of control by the time you reach ten, start counting again.
TIP 8: PINPOINT WHAT YOU’RE
REALLY ANGRY ABOUT
Have you ever gotten into an argument over something silly? Big fights often
happen over something small, like a dish left out or being ten minutes late.
But there’s usually a bigger issue behind it. If you find your irritation and
anger rapidly rising, ask yourself “What am I really angry about?” Identifying
the real source of frustration will help you communicate your anger better,
take constructive action, and work towards a resolution. TIP 9: TAKE FIVE IF THINGS GET TOO HEATED
If your anger seems to be spiraling out of control, remove yourself from the situation for a few minutes or for as long as it takes you to cool down. A brisk walk, a trip to the gym, or a few minutes listening to some music should allow you to calm down, release pent up emotion, and then approach the situation with a cooler head.TIP 10: ALWAYS FIGHT FAIR
It’s okay to be upset at someone, but if you don’t fight fair, the relationship will quickly break down. Fighting fair allows you to express your own needs while still respecting others.- Make the relationship your priority. Maintaining and strengthening the relationship, rather than “winning” the argument, should always be your first priority. Be respectful of the other person and his or her viewpoint.
- Focus on the present. Once you are in the heat of arguing, it’s easy to start throwing past grievances into the mix. Rather than looking to the past and assigning blame, focus on what you can do in the present to solve the problem.
- Choose your battles. Conflicts can be draining, so it’s important to consider whether the issue is really worthy of your time and energy. If you pick your battles rather than fighting over every little thing, others will take you more seriously when you are upset.
- Be willing to forgive. Resolving conflict is impossible if you’re unwilling or unable to forgive. Resolution lies in releasing the urge to punish, which can never compensate for our losses and only adds to our injury by further depleting and draining our lives.
- Know when to let something go. If you can’t come to an agreement, agree to disagree. It takes two people to keep an argument going. If a conflict is going nowhere, you can choose to disengage and move on.
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